About Me
I started doing drugs when I was thirteen. I was desperate to numb a pain that I didn’t understand. For the twenty two years that followed, the pain was very present and uncontrollable and I continued to make it my enemy. I did everything I could to escape it, from extreme numbing to several geographical moves. I spent 17 years working in television trying to impress everyone, afraid of my own shadow. On the outside, I held it together. On the inside, I was a total mess. I lived in constant shame and fear of abandonment.
Finally at thirty five, rather than hitting rock bottom with a resounding crash, I reached a point of profound exhaustion. A friend pressured me to go to a meeting, which I finally gave in to. As much as 12 step programs don’t resonate with me, I needed to be there. The first six months I began learning how to function in the world without the impenetrable shield that the alcohol and drugs provided.
As the days turned into weeks, I began to get little nuggets of insight which helped fuel my determination to continue on the path of wellbeing. The beginning was extremely difficult, and I felt alone. The floodgates of very disturbing and powerful thoughts had opened and I didn't know what to do. I was scared and desperate. My suicidal ideation was strong and I didn't have any direction or support. I got a life coach, a therapist, energy healer and I read every self-help book I could get my hands on.
Ten years later, my life has transformed completely. That once lost and scared girl is still a part of me, but I continue to support, nourish, and love her. Pain is no longer the enemy. I have so much compassion for the burdens I carried for so long. I have discovered that a happy life is possible. It does not mean things won’t happen. Sometimes life can be very challenging, scary, sad and frustrating. But I have found tools and support. My response to life is very different now, and I meet every day with kindness.